Diary entry 1–
Today has been a rough day when it comes to food. I don’t know why, but I’m always much hungrier at nights. I had breakfast pizza leftovers for dinner and I’m still hungry. I also had a lot of chili for lunch. I’m still under my calories, but I think I calculated the pizza wrong since the serving size is 1/5 and I cut it into 1/8ths. I’ve never been good with that math so I just am leaving myself some leeway to be safe…
I decided that since it was a new year and I’m embarking on a new journey (that I can hopefully stick to again this time) I should document some things. I went into the bathroom and took pictures. I cringed, looked away, and cringed when I looked again. Losing a lot of weight isn’t any prettier than gaining a lot of weight. I have stretchmarks on my arms, legs, sides, stomach, behind my knees, on my chest, my boobs, and worst of all they’re all over my pelvis. I feel like a wall that someone colored all over with a red crayon. Don’t get me wrong, I assumed I would get some stretchmarks, but because of the MASSIVE weight gain I had when I was pregnant, they are a lot worse than they needed to be. But hey, what can I do about it now besides accept it? They’re there because I created life. That’s all I need to know. (I don’t have to like them though, right?)
I thought about posting the pictures I took but I think I am too ashamed to do that right now. Maybe once I make some progress and I can use them as “before” pictures I’ll do it, but seeing what I saw tonight and reevaluating my food choices has made me realize how easy it is for me to blindly eat and not even realize that I’m putting weight back on. When I moved back to Iowa 11 months ago, I weighed nearly 175. That was my lowest weight since I was a freshman in high school. I am now sitting pretty at 187.8. I had gained more but I managed to lose a bit when I was sick and from being more conscious of my food choices.
As a personal goal, I am going to track my weight and body once a month. I don’t know when but since I started today, maybe around the middle of the month would be a good choice. Who knows, maybe it’ll be the motivation I need. Maybe one day I’ll lose all my weight and hit a total of 100 or more pounds lost and I’ll be able to use these photos, diary entries, and food logs as motivation for other people struggling the way I am.
I know that I excel at weight loss in the summer, but winter is the worst. I keep hoping that if I can get into a routine of doing just a little something every day, my weight will drop like before. Dance parties, yoga, kinect fitness, walks, etc. Something has to work. I may even try to get back into light kickboxing (my favorite workout!) once my knees feel a bit better. Oh, and on that note, I’m going to finally try to call an actual specialist and see if they can’t help me with pain management for my knees at least since they refuse to give me surgery on them because of my age. Last I had heard, I had torn bilateral cartilage and fluid retention on my knee. I was given steroid injections, I did a month of physical therapy, and had a zillion x-rays done. They said there is no cushioning where my knee bone and leg bone meet which is causing the majority of my pain (bone on bone) but basically they told me after that… “There’s nothing we can do because you’re so young. We can’t do surgery and the therapy didn’t help.” I even did the electroshock therapy on my legs! (photos here.)
I just want to be able to carry my child up the stairs without collapsing in pain afterwards. I want to be able to enjoy the cold without my knees aching. Oh and I don’t want to have to put icy hot on my knees just to work an 8 hour shift. I’m 25, not 52! Ugh. So, cross your fingers that maybe the specialists or actual doctors might know a way to help me. After all, my daughters weight is only going to increase and I have to be able to lug her up and down the stairs. Oh and I wouldn’t mind doing some high intensity workouts again too…
UPDATE: After writing this blog, I decided that It was time to get off my butt and get a workout in. I threw on the kinect and did a few small games then I spent about 20 minutes working out with your shape fitness evolved 2012. Jump rope, ralley ball, yoga, wall smash and a bit of other various things. I was sweating bullets and panting like a dog, but it was totally worth it. Overall, I did 30 minutes of activity.
