Like this:

As I sat in the silence of my one bedroom apartment tonight I felt my mind drifting off. I realized that I could never live with a silence like this. My daughter is sound asleep in her bed no more than fifteen feet from where I sit and just knowing that completes me. Without her my life would be nothing. And with that thought my mind began to drift further….

Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I had never made the decision to move to Tennessee. I sure made a lot of people angry with that decision but I felt that I needed a life of my own outside of the confines of this state. Sure, it ended in heartache but I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t tried. I honestly feel that the universe gave me the choice and I made the right decision. Two days before leaving to Tennessee in 2007, I received a phone call. After nearly 6 months of looking for work and a few pointless interviews, I was offered a job. I could have taken it, stayed with my then boyfriend and tried to continue living life the way I was…but I chose to leave. I realize in retrospect that It wasn’t the nicest thing for me to do, leaving to another state to be with my then best friend who later became my boyfriend who later became my husband, ex husband, father of my child, well–you get the idea…but I did. Can I say that it’s a move I regret? Not even a little bit. My entire life began on the day that I left Iowa, I just didn’t know it yet.

A few months later I was pregnant and suddenly I had to grow up, fast. My years of rebellion had come to an end just like that and my maternal instincts took over. (As well as my emotions.) I did everything I had to do in order to ensure that I had a healthy baby girl and I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. I’d break hearts, upset my parents, and I’d even go into that marriage knowing full well the heartache, pain, and hurt that I was going to feel. I would do it all over again a million times if it meant that I got my Emma every single time.

The day I moved to Tennesse, my world changed. The day I had my daughter, my life changed. The way I saw the world, my perspective, my mentality…all of it became different, just like that. I still have my days where I see a glimmer of my old self but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.

…After all, the old me is the girl Chad fell in love with.

If you would have told me eight or nine years ago that Chad and I would end up together I would have looked at you like you were crazy. He was a friend, a good friend, my best friend, a roomie, and then just like that we were strangers again. Separated by life, by everyday obligations, by boyfriends, girlfriends, families, and thousands of miles. We tried to keep in touch but it didn’t always work. Regardless, he was the one person I have always and will always be able to be my true self around. That is something I’ve never shared with any other person. He knows my faults, my flaws, my disabilities, and my disorders. He understands my temper and frustrations and knows just how to calm them. On my worst days when my mood disorder is acting up, he picks up the slack, takes care of Emma, and calms me down–something no one else has ever done. No one else ever has taken the time to get to know me the way Chad does. No one else has gotten into the depths of my mind, body, or soul the way that he does. I can tell him everything. I never hide anything from him. I have no reason to lie to him. And when I’m having a bad day, I’m not afraid to tell him. He respects me, understands me, and accepts the boundaries that I sometimes apply when I’m angry and want to be left alone. He doesn’t tell me I’m crazy or stupid or ask me to become medicated for him, (Yep, someone did that once…) rather he accepts me for who I am and he works with it. He is still my best friend and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

The funny thing about Chad and I is that after years of distance tearing us apart, the moment we saw each other again we picked up just like no time had passed at all. That is something that is so important to me, to have a true friendship enveloped inside of our relationship. It’s important to have someone who is a partner and an equal, someone willing to help out when I need it most, someone who accepts that I hate doing the dishes and vacuuming and is aware of the fact that I’ve been known to leave wet towels on the floor from time to time. To have someone who understands that I’m a blanket hog at night,  someone who knows that I have problems, that I am flawed, that I need a little extra time, understanding and love, and someone who is absolutely one-hundred percent okay with all of it…just because of how much he loves me.

Are there times where I slack off around the house? You bet your ass there are. I have a hard time staying in this apartment because it feels like a prison. Being here is depressing and I feel like I’m in a rut. When I walk into the door I’m already wanting to walk back out. I have fallen into a depression regarding this place but I do my best not to let it get to me. When things get out of hand, I do my best to get them back in order, but for the time being, I’m perfectly okay with this place being the shithole that I feel it is. (Okay, it isn’t really and Chad likes to keep things in order so it doesn’t ever get as bad as a “shithole” but you get the point.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m never going to sit here and tell you my life is sunshine and rainbows. I still have my days where I miss more than anything being a stay at home mom. I feel guilty that there is no yard for my daughter to play in, that I don’t work with her the way that I used to and that she spends a large amount of time at her grandma’s house because I have to work. I still have my days where I feel an emptiness inside of myself because of my longing for a second child that I know I’m unable to afford or care for right now. I have my days where I don’t want to cook, clean, leave, or even get dressed. Hell, I even have days where I feel like a terrible mother. Is four hours of television too much for a three year old? Probably. Have I done it just so I could do dishes, clean the bathroom and take a shower? You bet I have. And then I felt guilty.  If we’re being totally honest here, confession time:

I only like working for the adult conversation but I miss spending time with my daughter

I’m skating through college right now because I feel overwhelmed and I’m only doing enough to get by

I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to send Emma away for the summers

I’m jealous of the parents who don’t have to work and are still able to afford a better lifestyle than mine because they have government assistance, fip, and child support.

I often wonder what the future holds for me. I’m curious if I’ll ever have another child. If I’ll ever get a house. If I’ll ever be debt free.

My ex husband didn’t pay a lot of bills we had jointly used that were in my name and now my credit is terrible. I have no way of paying the amounts owed and I’m afraid that the years I’ve spent rebuilding my credit were all in vain.

My toenails have been painted and repainted for over a year. I think I’ve only taken off the old layers once with polish remover. Otherwise, I just keep painting over them. I wish I had time for a pedicure.

Sometimes, I’m far more materialistic than I’d like to be. Would I be happy with a sparkly diamond ring? OF COURSE! But could that money go towards something far more practical……of course.

This apartment is the first one I’ve ever lived in where I’ve actually stayed until the lease was up. (In seven years..)

I have a hard time believing the things I did before I had a child. Parenthood changes you in ways you’ve never imagined.

I’ve never had friends. Well, not a real group of friends anyways. I have one or two good friends (Holla Quinn!) but really, everyone else has been an acquantance. I often times envy the girls that I see in large groups sharing stories over bottles of wine or coffee. I wonder what It’s like to be in one of those cliques, but I guess I’ve always kind of been a loner and danced to the beat of my own drum.

I’m 25 years old and I still feel lost in the world, but when I’m right here…with my family……(Chad and Emma) I feel more grounded than I’ve ever felt. I feel more alive than I’ve ever felt. And even now, just watching my daughter sleep in her bed, I feel my chest tighten because the love I have for her runs so deeply that I can’t even imagine a life without her…without tearing up. I will never be as close to anyone as I am to my daughter, for it is she who knows what the beat of my heart sounds like from the inside.

This is my life.
These are my thoughts.
Through it all, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’m the luckiest girl in the world.