Like this:

I really have no reason to blog right now and nothing particular to write about, but I felt like writing anyways. Today was a good day. I took Emma outside for her first real play in the snow. She seemed to love it but after fifteen minutes it was too cold to stay out  much longer. Instead, we came inside and watched kids movies, ate tacos, and played on the mattress topper that is currently resting on my floor. After she went to bed, the mister and I put on a movie. It is the worst piece of garbage I’ve ever seen, so I put on headphones in order to drown out the awful dialogue with my less awful music.

I don’t know what the deal is with me lately. Maybe I have a case of SADD or maybe it’s my mood disorder but I’ve been felling stalled lately. I guess my life is as good as it’s been in years and for that I’m thankful, but I can’t help but feel I’m not where I want to be in life right now. I need more space for sure and to get back into my old hobbies but for some reason, I just feel like sitting around day after day. I think winter just does that to me. The fact that I’m coming up on being a one year divorcee isn’t helping either…

God, I can’t believe it’s been a year already. It seems like only yesterday. The pain I went through, the tears that fell, and the heart that I swore ripped out of my chest the day I drove away. All of that is behind me now. I’m getting past it all and trusting again. It’s hard at times, but I’m thankful that I have someone trustworthy. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t. I don’t think I could ever handle that again..

Who knows, maybe someday we’ll get married, have babies, own a house, have careers, and live happily ever after. Well, that’s my hope anyways. For now, I’m almost content just living day to day. I still have moments where I think about how much I want to be somebody’s wife again. I still have moments where I want to be a family. I want the dream just as I always have but this time around I’m going to be a lot more careful with it. I know I don’t need to guard my heart anymore, but It’s still a bit fragile from last year so I do it anyways.One day when the time is right everything is going to fall into place and rather than jump the gun (as I always do) I’m going to let nature take its course.

Sometimes I think that I needed to learn the hard way…and that’s why life saw it fit to put me through the ringer. I needed it. I needed to learn, to grow up, to have my eyes opened. I needed to be reminded that life was about more than living day to day. It was about more than dating, partying, dropping out of college, running away from home, avoiding my problems and fighting with my parents. I had no idea what life was until I let it open my eyes. And I’m so glad I did.

Life now is beautiful. On my worst day, It’s still beautiful. I’ve never had a privileged life. I’ve never been called ‘blessed’ until now. My daughter is my life. My boyfriend is my heart. My family is my soul. Without each piece, I’d be incomplete. I’m so thankful for the lessons I’ve learned in the past four years, no matter how painful they were. Because of the life I’ve lived, I can appreciate fully now the type of life I’m living, It’s one I had always envied and been jealous of. And yet, here I am… I have a beautiful baby girl, a loving boyfriend, and a supportive family who’s willing to help out. What more could I ask for? I’m going to finish college if It kills me and get a good job. I’m making new friends, I’m talking to old friends, I’m doing everything I never thought I’d get to do again and then some.

I feel rejuvenated. I feel new. I feel alive.

 

And even on my worst day, I thank my lucky stars for everything that’s been given to me and everything that’s been taken away. Without it, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be who I am today.

 

 

Disclaimer: This blog was written entirely from the heart. There has been & will be no editing. This is me. Enjoy.

 

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